I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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