: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
