I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize