I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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