sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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