Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
