The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
