So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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