how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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