My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
