You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Please don't give away my fajitas
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
