So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
