The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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