I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Farmville is her only friend.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
