So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
