I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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