Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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