Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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