His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
