Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
