Im at strip club and am horny
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
