it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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