She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize