Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
