Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Text me some of your sweat
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