I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
