I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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