Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
