i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
