dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
