I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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