why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize