no, he came in my armpit
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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