I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize