checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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