I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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