You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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