There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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