The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize