i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The best revenge is premature balding
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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