my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
