his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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