I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
