Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
