you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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