please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
