So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
