Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
