FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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