Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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