On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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