I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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