i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize