I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
