I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
