Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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