first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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