Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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