She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Come on in and take your pants off
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