i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
