if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
